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ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he thought i was a dude.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Welp...herpes.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
she peed on how many people?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i think i have herpe
just one?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Who did Billy Mays play for?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Sober January is a disaster.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I puked a lego.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had†so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
no you cant smoke seaweed
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I checked into jail on foursquare
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
two words: eviction party
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We talked him into tasing himself.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
what part of “beer fountain†do you not understand
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he wants to bone in the snuggie
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I love having hate sex.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My liver just broke up with me...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
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