He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
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