Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
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