still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Send us your Text From Last Night!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
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