Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
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Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
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