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I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
being pregnant is like rehab
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You're like the curious george of whores
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
we're chasing vodka with high fives
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It's Friday. Sex?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
What a dumb baby whore.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Blood and glitter go together right?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It's never too late to be topless.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
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