Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
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