This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
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