Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
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