omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
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