I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
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Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
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