Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
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