Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Send us your Text From Last Night!
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Less talking, more tequila
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
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