I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
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