im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
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