I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
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