Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
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