If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Loading more great texts...