Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Loading more great texts...