That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
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