Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
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