I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
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