You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
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