All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
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Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
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