I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
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Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I will pee on everything he values.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
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