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YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hippo gnu deer
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I don't deserve a penis
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She bit a glass in half.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dignity is for republicans.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
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