I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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