Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
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Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
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