Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
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I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
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