I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Loading more great texts...