Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
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