Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Loading more great texts...