Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Send us your Text From Last Night!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
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