I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
How external is "for external use only"?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
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