My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Loading more great texts...