I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Loading more great texts...