I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
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