Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
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