Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
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