Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
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