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After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I understand Curling. That high.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I think my fart just growled at me.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
another moral hangover. fuck.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Hippo gnu deer
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She's the barista slut.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
look no pants
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i think my tv is drunk
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
thus making me awesome and them whores
so explain again why im purple
no
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
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