He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
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