You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Let's paint friendship bongs
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Loading more great texts...