Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
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