ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
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