The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
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