i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
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