Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
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I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
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