He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Send us your Text From Last Night!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
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