He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Still dying that you shit outside
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
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